#3: let there be light
:( ---> :)
Hi, you know who it is and where you’re at.
Today, Week #3. For those of you just joining us, I’m undergoing an 8 week course of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation — TMS for short. The previous entry can be found here.
Let’s get into it.
*°•★•°∵ ∵°•☆•° . * * * *
Session #11
“The first zap fired off behind my eye and I saw the outline of my socket illuminated like a chair, sparkling in and out of focus under fireworks outside a window. Does that make sense? I know… But it’s the best way I can describe it.”
I was fidgety again, and worried that my moving was ruining the laser. Last week was long, and my chest felt like it was caving in on itself. But, I spent a lot of time sitting with the feeling and becoming cognizant of the sensation before trying to let it reform and erode itself away instead of damming it up. At some point resistance became a natural state for me. I’m exhausted.
This weekend a friend told me they were afraid to read my TMS entries for fear that they’d chosen the wrong treatment (they’re undergoing a different, but equally interesting brain therapy). I didn’t know how to tell them that I didn’t want to write at all last week because I was afraid of the same thing, that I’d embarked on a fool’s journey.
My daily planner has three questions for me to fill out at the end of the day: “Highlight of the day,” “What did I learn today?” and “What do I want to remember from today?”
What did I learn on this fair Monday? The days keep coming.
Side effects:
- After a long week and weekend of suffering, I feel like I’ve finally come up for air. I had a long conversation about my constant drive to restrict and resist my feelings, by shaping and rerouting them somewhere else, and how exhausting it is. When I was a kid I had a volcano themed Magic Schoolbus CD-ROM (we were a strict “educational computer games only” family) with a mini-game that charged you with the task of routing lava down a mountain using berms and trenches. The goal was to protect a small township and stopping the flow of lava was not an option. I feel like I’ve been trying to dam off my depression or anger, and blowing up when I get the game over screen over and over again.
✶
Session #12
“Feeling better this week after opting to take more time for myself. Trying not to take things personally.”
The sun comes out, and to my relief, the zaps do not hurt at all this round. I was off to a slightly better start today — I hate to admit it, but getting up early is so profoundly good for me. Waking up has never been easy, and today was a nice reminder that I feel my best approximately 34 minutes into the upright phase of my morning. Languishing in bed, diva cup dangerously close to overflowing, trying to chase off responsibility… Sigh. Avoidance never made the sun stop rising.
Side effects:
- Slightly elevated body buzz, sort of reminiscent of when mushrooms first start to hit. It’s definitely not that strong, but at the same family reunion
- Slight eye sensation developed a little while after the session, but was not painful and did not linger long
- Went back to yoga for the first time in months
- I read somewhere forever ago that Capricorns make great generals because in order to win the war they’ll know when to retreat from a useless battle. I remember sitting with that, and turning the pebble of “tactful retreat” over in my mind’s mouth. Something about that felt tickled my pride — the self satisfaction of not needing to have the last word because, well, history would show that I was right.
Fortunately for me, life is not war room strategy. Less fortunately for me, adopting this characteristic has in turn yielded a preference for inaction. I will not make the first move, I will not send the first text, I’ll wait and see, peering out from behind my eyes... But today? Today I ripped the bandaid and made some leaps I’d been thinking about for years and felt like I’d never be able to do.
✶
Session #13
“On my period omfg. Ran late to TMS. Shoes are too small. I feel clouded. Only morning where lots of shit that I did not need to happen happened.”
As a personal rule, I try to leave my house for everything, no matter how close or how far, at least half an hour early. This is a holdover from my youth, where we left for pan-Los Angeles drives at least an hour early. The random whims Nashville traffic is governed by a similarly cruel god, and goddamit, I hate being late.
I also try not to have things before my morning TMS appointment, but this morning…. Endless meetings. For context, my day job is being technical expert tasked with helping governments streamline their granting processes. I work with departments of transportation, refugee offices, universities, the state libraries, and so on. Days spent dealing with Excel sheets and decrepit websites is a little bit of a brain drain, but I like it, and the people I get to talk to, well enough.
So, back to this morning. Meetings, meetings, meetings. I’d periodically shut my camera off to eat Ibuprofen or double over in pain and cosmically black out for stretches of the call ( I of course started my period in the middle of the night the night before and Day 1 and 2ish have the worst cramps and brain fog). I leave a meeting with a pleasant group of state librarians early and jet over to the TMS center, hands lightly shaking in the way that I do when I’m late.
I get in, and I’m pissy, but not in the world ending way. I can see that I’m frazzled and upset, but I recognize the ledge and walk away… Even when my feet are suddenly half a size bigger? *Eyes impending RealReal shoe order* I’m….. not gonna focus on that one right now.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this in my posts before, but TMS requires a total abstinence from alcohol — before each session can begin I have to give a verbal “No” to the question “Any alcohol last night?” — as failure to do so can result in seizures (ah!). While I wasn’t the biggest drinker before TMS, alcohol was part of my weekly ritual — I do some of my best and most relaxing thinking in places like coffee shops or with a notebook nursing a beer at Smith & Lentz. Throw some headphones in, crank up the Brown Noise Loop 5 Hours Mix, and I’m happy as a clam.
But today, god, I needed a drink in the cartoon way people say “God, I need a drink.” I kept dreaming of a spicy mango margarita with a sparkling tajin rim, a soupy glass of red wine, or a strange pet nat that I’m not sure if I like the entire time I’m drinking it but hey! Biodynamic, that’s fun, right?
After getting off my last meeting of the day and ditzing around my enclosure for a few, I threw on some skinny jeans (important detail only because… Skinny jeans? To dinner? On the first day of my period??? Believe me I don’t understand this either) and set off to Cafe Roze in pursuit of a drink made-out-of-stuff-not-in-my-fridge to down with a cheeseburger. Cafe Roze has one of my favorite NA drinks in town, which I’d enjoyed plenty of times before my grand self prohibition; a tangy carrot drink called “Firewater.” I was pretty set on that up until I was handed the menu, because there she was… “The Shade in Oaxaca.” Grapefruit juice… Tajin rim… Habanero bitters… N/A tequila…. I dropped the “Oh! I just need a little more time :)” line more than once for the bartender as I mulled it over with rising nerves. Do I stray from the beauty of the earth? But when else will I get to try a N/A tequila? My experiences with it were limited, and as a purveyor of flavor, I feel morally obligated to try anything I feel curious about. I ordered the burger first to give myself a few more seconds of indecision — the solo diner equivalent of “You ready to order? Cool you first,” dance — before settling on the cocktail. The moment the bartender whisked away to prepare it, I felt a pang of regret.
A little while later it appeared neatly on a prim cocktail napkin before me… And damn. “This shit is disgusting,” I wrote in my notebook. It may’ve been just a bad drink, but it felt like I was tasting all the unfortunate aspects of mixed drinks without the brain numbing effect that made it worth it. Sometime mid-last year I stopped getting cocktails almost entirely. The sugar and liquor gave me a headache, and I hated how slack jawed I felt after two drinks. I continued to force it down before giving up four inches from the bottom of the highball glass, pushing it back sheepishly and ordering a Firewater.
“You don’t need that shit,” Jacob said when I was spinning out Week #1, handling a bottle of NA tequila with intent, and he was right. I’ve been getting more creative with my NA drinks of choice, and while I’ve enjoyed the alcotanical spirits I’ve tried, I think the Earth knows best.
Side effects:
- Tonight I noticed how frequently I waved goodbye without the eyes, shaking my hand and looking away demurely as I darted to the door. I corrected this impulse to blur myself
- I chit chatted pleasantly with someone I knew from IG but not IRL, and didn’t overthink my entire interaction while experiencing it
✶
Session #14
“Felt eye sensation again. Wish I could close my eyes.”
I felt a little off balance — in the way that you do when you’ve just fallen off a surfboard or skateboard and are taking the first few wobbly seconds to stand back up again.
Side effects:
- I felt a slight tingling in my body as I left the clinic, which translated to a charged and uplifted mood throughout the day.
- Painted a lot
- Thought a lot about how exhaustion can come from a lack of motion… Something, something, “an object in rest”….
✶
Session #15
“Chill zaps today.”
I was late-ish again today, but only because I saw something extremely cute:
I didn’t read much, instead I zoned out and looked at the cooling system of the magnets, something I’d never seen or paid attention to.
Side effects:
- I went on a long bike ride today! A few years ago I had a terrifying incident while biking through Memphis one night, and since then struggled to find my way back in the saddle. I ripped through Shelby, paying extra attention to the delicious scent of foresty sunset unfolding from the trees. It felt good, and more than that, instantly familiar and comforting.
- I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship to suicidal ideation, and how little I turn to that these days, even when shit got dark last week. Phew
✶
Week #4 starts on Monday, we’re almost halfway *°•★•°∵ ∵°
The next post in this series can be found here.